Husbands, Learn To Listen… Better

dispute

Husbands, Learn To Listen… Better
One couple's therapy session reveals how husbands can become better listeners.
BY DR. KAREN GAIL LEWIS

DepositPhotos
Listening seems like a simple thing, but many, many men struggle to shut up when they should just listen.

“ Change is hard, but if the reward is big enough, it’s worth the effort.”

Husbands! Are you trying to think of a New Year’s resolution? Maybe you’ll vow to lose weight or learn to ski, or maybe you will decide to spend more time with your children or to cut down on swearing? Although we often think of these things leading up to the ball dropping, it’s during the next day that we begin to think of other things we should have resolved.

Remember that at midnight on December 31 whatever resolution you make won’t be the last chance. There’s no rule breaking if you make a January resolution. So if you're up for it, I've got a resolution suggestion for you: Don’t offer her suggestions without first asking if she wants it.

To understand what this means, I've got a story I'd like to share with you of a couple I help.

Barry and Tina, who have lived together for four years, sit in my office talking about a recent spat.

Tina says, "My daughter wrote and told me she’s angry that she always initiates our telephone conversations. She said she didn’t want to talk with me for a while. I was devastated. When I told Barry, he immediately said, 'Write back and tell her…' I cut him off; whatever he was going to say would only make me more upset. I was already feeling unloved by my daughter and now he does this to me."

Before I open my mouth, Barry teases, "I know, I know. We men always give suggestions, and women just want us to listen."

Barry knows that. And many men know that, too. Yet, you still do it. Why?

Barry was teasing, but Tina wasn’t smiling. "Help me understand," I say to him. "You know Tina gets upset every time this happens, yet you keep doing it?"

"It’s hard to change," he replies. "No, it’s more than that. I want to feel helpful. I care about her, and if I don’t offer her a suggestion, I feel I’m letting her down."

"But," I push on, "you also just said you know that’s not what she wants. So, it’s like force-feeding chocolate, something you love, to someone who’s allergic to it."

"Yeah. I can see that, but," he hesitates. "I know it makes no sense. Tina has even told me if I want to be helpful, I should ask if she wants a suggestion. I hear her say that; it sounds so reasonable, but I don’t know. I just don’t think about it at the time."

Tina sits forward to speak: her voice has an edge. "Doesn’t it occur to you that I’m smart enough to come up with my own suggestions—once I’ve vented? Sorry to break it to you, but your suggestions aren’t so earth-shattering. Of course, I can figure out what to do. I get a double whammy—on top of your not being there for me, you insult my intelligence."

"Then fine," he snaps. "From now on, I’ll just shut up. You can solve all your problems yourself."

"You don’t get it," her voice rises, "I don’t want you to shut up any more than I want your suggestions. I want to feel you care that I’m upset, that you love me, that you have a shoulder for me at these moments when I need it." Then her voice softens. "I don’t want to feel bad for needing your shoulder, and I don’t want to feel stupid that I can’t solve my own problems."

This conversation occurs all across the country. Men, what happens that you don’t use what you know? That you can’t just listen and be empathic? Or, as Tina proposes, ask if your wife wants a suggestion?

Barry says it’s hard to change. That’s what resolutions offer, a chance to change. So, consider this your new resolution, when your wife shares a problem with you, you will listen first, and then ask if she wants a suggestion.

Change is hard, but if the reward is big enough, it’s worth the effort. You can be assured the women in your life will reward your effort by their abundant gratitude. And, of course, it’s better to feel appreciated than rebuffed.

Dr. Karen Gail Lewis is a marriage and family therapist. She’s also an author of numerous relationship books—on enhancing marriage, on being single, on improving adult sibling relationships, and on strengthening friendships. He most recent book is "Why Don’t You Understand? A Gender Relationship Dictionary" (GenderDictionary.com). She has offices in both Washington, DC and Cincinnati and is available for phone consultations. She can be contacted at DrKGL@DrKarenGailLewis.com.

Pin It

Connect with us: