How To Regain Your Sex Drive

sex advice

How To Regain Your Sex Drive
Great tips to help you and your spouse jump-start a crashed sex drive.
BY DENISE J CHARLES M. ED

DepositPhotos
Jump-starting a crashed sex drive is possible if a few tips are followed.

“ Research has shown that the more we have sex, the more sex we want to have.”

When you got married and said, "I Do," chances are you were thinking that you always would... "do it," I mean.

Totally taken by the idea of endless nights of unbridled passion during the honeymoon phase of your relationship, I’m sure that the thought of a gradually waning sex drive seemed like a very distant and unlikely possibility. After all, the powerful physical attraction for your spouse, along with those wonderful personality traits, was why you decided to get hitched in the first place. And of course you had already heard all of the possible downsides of marriage but things like the "four-year itch," bedroom-boredom, falling out of love and the distinct probability of your spouse growing on your nerves, seemed pretty far-fetched to you. This was stuff that happened to other people, who were not as in love as you and your partner are.

But life happened. The honeymoon phase, which could last anywhere up until the first three years of marriage, eventually passed and things have not been the same since—especially in the sex department.

While each of our couple stories might not read like a well-worn novel, we are all likely to navigate similar relationship phases. Because of all the hype continuously given to sex and its importance in intimate relationships, many of us are ill-prepared for a case of the sexual doldrums. We usually don’t know how to cope when we feel so exhausted or our minds are so caught-up with some issue at work—that the idea of passionate sex can seem like a bothersome encroachment on our time.

The reality is that the pace of life, financial pressures, our jobs, having a baby, dealing with toddlers, battling adolescents, coping with aging parents and the like can take a toll on our desire for sex. Even when we continue to "do it" during these times, it can virtually morph into a slow dance done in autopilot. In other words, it can become booooring with a capital "B." What this lack of sexual inventiveness and paling passion can mean is that we can get stuck in a sexual rut which plays havoc with our once kicking sex-drive. It’s like the chicken and egg conundrum. The lessening of sex further decreases our sex-drive, and the depleted sex-drive weakens our desire for sex. So it becomes a vicious cycle and we’re never quite sure where it started.

So how do we pick ourselves up from the figurative ground zero of our relationships? We just may need to bite the bullet and put some critical emergency strategies in place to jumpstart our crashed sex-drive.

Think on these things. For those of us who enjoy or have enjoyed great sex, we know that the mind or thought-life plays a vital role. If we hope to increase our interest in sex then this may mean taking some time to flood our minds with sexual thoughts. And while I’m not one to advocate fantasizing about other people, I believe that we should use our brains and imaginations to relive past great sexual experiences with our spouse or to invent those we want to pursue. We can’t have sex with an empty mind and the brain has not been labeled our most vital sexual organ without merit. We should therefore learn to use it to our advantage. Thinking about sex can also involve reading great articles or watching informative videos, which can educate and allow us to know where we need to step it up a notch or two. The point here is that the mind should not be allowed to atrophy and to become sexless.

Look the part. There is such a thing as dressing sexy. Our image says a lot about how we view ourselves and can play a great part in stoking those feel-good hormones, which can, in turn, influence our feeling of sexiness. There is nothing like a changed outfit, a new fragrance, a makeover or a new hairdo to transmit the idea that we are sexy and desirable. Even though we have grown accustomed to living with our spouse, this should not stop us from bringing surprise elements to the relationship, including the way we look. This also holds true for men who may want to get their sexual groove on by beefing things up in the gym. If we look like crap, chances are we will feel like crap and will have crappy sex or none at all.

Speak the words. There is no doubt about it: words are powerful. Words affect our perceptions and shape our feelings. Sharing sexy words can be a great way for a sex-starved couple to reconnect. This can be done in tandem or alone. Obviously, if you whisper to each other all the hot things you missed doing, this may get you both going, but one partner can also initiate the sex-talk. These words can be flowery, poetic and romantic like an old love letter or they can be spicy and graphic like a heated novel. They can be written, spoken or both. Whatever the case, using the language of sex to kick-start a waning sex drive may do wonders to a flagging marriage—all that is required is that we open our mouths or pick up our pens.

Jump in the deep-end. So you’ve not had sex in a while or your interest in sex has waned and you want to know how to solve this problem. Try having sex for starters. Jump in and like the old Nike ad suggested, "Just do it." Research has shown that the more we have sex, the more sex we want to have. Connecting sexually allows the attachment hormone, oxytocin, to strengthen our bond and we usually desire to do this again. Sex can be mood altering when we learn to surrender to the moment. So shying away from sex because we are waiting for a great "magic moment" may actually be counter productive. Take the plunge, despite the way you feel, and you just may be surprised by the results.

Seek wise counsel. There may be serious hidden or known issues which are influencing your lack of sexual desire. These should not be trivialized or ignored. Issues like abuse, infidelity or past individual trauma may need to be uncovered and resolution or healing sought. This may require the services of a counselor, pastor or therapist. If your depleted sex drive is as a result of a deep emotional wound, then the "jump-start" process may mean a bold decision to confront personal/couple pain. While this may not bring immediate resolution, it can be the starting point towards a renewed sexual relationship.

"Denise J Charles" is an educator, counselor, relationship-coach, published author and blogger. She holds a Masters Degree in Education and is a qualified trainer-of-trainers. Denise is Executive Director of "Better Blends Relationship Institute", a counseling and training entity founded by herself and her husband Gabriel. Denise’s blog on sex can be found "here". Denise’s soon to be released new book is "How To Have Mind-Blowing Sex Without Losing Your Brain".

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1 Million Couples Can't Be Wrong Over 1 million couples turn to Hitched for expert marital advice every year. Sign up now for our newsletter & get exclusive weekly content that will entertain, educate and inspire your marriage.

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