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Two Words that Can End an ArgumentNearly every argument is an attempt to be heard or understood. Learn why a few simple words can end an argument and allow you and your spouse to move on.
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When couples argue, what they're really trying to do is be heard and understood.
“ With all the words we speak, it’s important to know the ones that can really impact a relationship for the better.”
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It was Sophia’s birthday and even though she had asked her husband, James, not to plan a weekend with his kids on her birthday, he did. His reason? His ex-wife had made plans months ahead for that same weekend, and James didn’t want his kids to be with a babysitter. He figured he and Sophia could celebrate her birthday on a different date.
Sophia, once again, felt unimportant and last on his list of priorities. As you can imagine, this recurring issue caused a major argument between the two of them. Even though James and Sophia were fighting about her birthday, they nevertheless love each other and are trying to make this blended family arrangement work.
In the heat of the moment, Sophia’s point of view was: "I can’t believe that even though I specifically requested that we do something together on the day of my birthday, and you had plenty of time to arrange something for the kids, that you didn’t think enough of me to honor my request. It doesn’t even feel like you want to be with me on my birthday!"
James’ point of view was: "They’re my kids, and it’s not like I forgot about you. I did make plans for you the day after your birthday. I’m not sure what the big deal is. I can’t believe that you’d even think that I wouldn’t want to be with you. It was just circumstances."
The back-and-forth argument continued with no resolution, until Sophia asked James the following question: "I know you have your point of view of the situation, but can you understand at least a little bit of what I’m saying?"
James paused for a moment, and responded, "I understand."
That affirmative response changed the whole feeling for Sophia because she now felt heard, and validated that she wasn’t crazy or stupid for her feelings. And because she felt acknowledged, she didn’t feel the need to continue arguing with James.
What can we learn from James and Sophia?
1. Even though James and Sophia didn’t resolve their differences of opinion, they were able to end their fight. We all want to be heard and understood, and the majority of time that’s all that’s needed.
2. Most people don’t know what communication really means. In a nutshell, it’s the ability to safely speak your truth to your partner, while your partner listens without interruption. It’s also putting yourself in your partner’s shoes so that you can understand where they’re coming from, even if you don’t agree. Good, clear, and honest communication takes practice and determination.
3. You probably know what it really takes to make your spouse feel cared about and loved, but are you doing it? James and Sophia would be wise to learn the other’s love language. As an example, maybe your spouse feels loved by you showing them affection, or maybe it’s important when you feel understood and your spouse expresses his understanding in just the right way. If you know the right "language" that makes your spouse feel loved, and you’re using that language, you’ll be amazed at how quickly your relationship can turn around. This is one of the most important skills to develop—and if you really don’t know what it is, it’s time to ask. (Knowing your spouse's "language" gained popularity and understanding based on Gary Chapman's book, "The Five Love Languages.")
With all the words we speak, it’s important to know the ones that can really impact a relationship for the better. For James and Sophia, "I understand" changed what could have been a continued, hurtful exchange, into the quick end of the argument because when one feels heard and validated, there’s no need to argue. And, after all, arguments are really just an attempt to be understood.
Also known as the "last ditch effort therapist," Sharon M. Rivkin, therapist and conflict resolution/affairs expert, is the author of "Breaking the Argument Cycle: How to Stop Fighting Without Therapy" and developer of the First Argument Technique, a 3-step system that helps couples fix their relationships and understand why they fight. Her work has been featured in Oprah Magazine, Reader's Digest, Time.com, Yahoo!News.com, WebMD.com, and DrLaura.com. Sharon has appeared on TV, was quoted on The Insider TV show, and makes regular radio appearances nationwide. She has also appeared on Martha Stewart Whole Living Radio and makes regular radio appearances nationwide. For more information, please visit her website at www.sharonrivkin.com.
Sophia, once again, felt unimportant and last on his list of priorities. As you can imagine, this recurring issue caused a major argument between the two of them. Even though James and Sophia were fighting about her birthday, they nevertheless love each other and are trying to make this blended family arrangement work.
In the heat of the moment, Sophia’s point of view was: "I can’t believe that even though I specifically requested that we do something together on the day of my birthday, and you had plenty of time to arrange something for the kids, that you didn’t think enough of me to honor my request. It doesn’t even feel like you want to be with me on my birthday!"
James’ point of view was: "They’re my kids, and it’s not like I forgot about you. I did make plans for you the day after your birthday. I’m not sure what the big deal is. I can’t believe that you’d even think that I wouldn’t want to be with you. It was just circumstances."
The back-and-forth argument continued with no resolution, until Sophia asked James the following question: "I know you have your point of view of the situation, but can you understand at least a little bit of what I’m saying?"
James paused for a moment, and responded, "I understand."
That affirmative response changed the whole feeling for Sophia because she now felt heard, and validated that she wasn’t crazy or stupid for her feelings. And because she felt acknowledged, she didn’t feel the need to continue arguing with James.
What can we learn from James and Sophia?
1. Even though James and Sophia didn’t resolve their differences of opinion, they were able to end their fight. We all want to be heard and understood, and the majority of time that’s all that’s needed.
2. Most people don’t know what communication really means. In a nutshell, it’s the ability to safely speak your truth to your partner, while your partner listens without interruption. It’s also putting yourself in your partner’s shoes so that you can understand where they’re coming from, even if you don’t agree. Good, clear, and honest communication takes practice and determination.
3. You probably know what it really takes to make your spouse feel cared about and loved, but are you doing it? James and Sophia would be wise to learn the other’s love language. As an example, maybe your spouse feels loved by you showing them affection, or maybe it’s important when you feel understood and your spouse expresses his understanding in just the right way. If you know the right "language" that makes your spouse feel loved, and you’re using that language, you’ll be amazed at how quickly your relationship can turn around. This is one of the most important skills to develop—and if you really don’t know what it is, it’s time to ask. (Knowing your spouse's "language" gained popularity and understanding based on Gary Chapman's book, "The Five Love Languages.")
With all the words we speak, it’s important to know the ones that can really impact a relationship for the better. For James and Sophia, "I understand" changed what could have been a continued, hurtful exchange, into the quick end of the argument because when one feels heard and validated, there’s no need to argue. And, after all, arguments are really just an attempt to be understood.
Also known as the "last ditch effort therapist," Sharon M. Rivkin, therapist and conflict resolution/affairs expert, is the author of "Breaking the Argument Cycle: How to Stop Fighting Without Therapy" and developer of the First Argument Technique, a 3-step system that helps couples fix their relationships and understand why they fight. Her work has been featured in Oprah Magazine, Reader's Digest, Time.com, Yahoo!News.com, WebMD.com, and DrLaura.com. Sharon has appeared on TV, was quoted on The Insider TV show, and makes regular radio appearances nationwide. She has also appeared on Martha Stewart Whole Living Radio and makes regular radio appearances nationwide. For more information, please visit her website at www.sharonrivkin.com.
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