During the early stages of a relationship, fireworks seem to explode at every turn. Passion pushes and pulls new lovers to dizzying heights. Yet, over time, the intensity dims. Familiarity sets in, and the sizzling energy can fizzle and even vanish. Whether you find yourself in the first or 21st year of your marriage, it’s important to keep the fire alive.

The mundane tasks of life can tend to dampen the sizzle in even the hottest relationships. With work calling, babies crawling, and to-do lists mounting, the idea of creating sexy, intimate times often seems like more work! Before you know it, hot, steamy nights become a thing of the past as the television, video games, and household tasks take precedence. As intimate moments melt away, an icy chill can creep in to cause silent damage to even the best of relationships.

Sex is an important part of marriage, yet true physical intimacy involves far more than just sex. Emotional intimacy is the layer that makes physical intimacy meaningful and delicious. True intimacy allows you to feel a deep closeness to your partner that is lush and truly indescribable. Without intimacy, sex is just… sex. Of course, sex can be wonderful in and of itself, yet it is the layer of passionate intimacy that transforms mere sex into an act of deep love. It is these moments of sacred intimacy between partners that creates an indelible bond and a permanent soulful connection.

It takes dedication and effort to develop and nourish an environment that makes intimacy an ongoing priority. Like any aspect of a relationship, honoring the importance of sexual intimacy takes time and energy. Creating fireworks in your marriage usually does not happen by chance, but it doesn’t need to be difficult. And don’t worry about the cost—a sexy love life surely doesn’t need to be expensive or lavish. With a bit of fun and thoughtful planning, you can craft "spontaneous" explosions of passion in your marriage.

Remember, a healthy sexual relationship is built on good communication and mutual respect and honor for each other’s wellbeing. With this foundation, you can build an intimate sexual life that is fun, wild, exploratory, and mutually satisfying. Follow these simple ideas:

1. Create the Space: Creating a sexy intimate environment involves a few important details, none of which need to be expensive or time-consuming. Start by scheduling a date with your spouse. Call the babysitter. (If finances make babysitter fees an issue, work out a trade with relatives, neighbors, or other friendly parents.) Learn to leave the pressures of work outside the front door. Turn on the music that reminds you of the days when time alone was hot and sexy. Turn off the lights and fill the room with the soft glow of candles. Take a bath or shower together. Splurge on a luscious body oil and spa-quality towels. Enjoy each other in slow, delicious ways that busy schedules rarely allow. Then, let nature take its course.

2. Confidence is Hot: Look in the mirror and know that no one does it better than you. Remember that you and your sweetheart know each other more intimately than anyone else. Know that the safety and mutual respect you create in your marriage allows you to be yourself. Use that inner knowledge to strut your stuff. Your physical exterior is not nearly as important as your inner confidence and the sense that you know how to please yourself and your lover. If you haven’t yet arrived at this place of strong inner self-confidence, talk openly with your husband or wife about your sensitivities and vulnerabilities. Even the most confident individuals have soft spots, and a loving spouse will take great care to honor those more delicate and sensitive areas. With gentleness, love, and compassion, the vulnerabilities heal and allow confidence to grow. In the meantime, smile at yourself in the mirror. Remind yourself how unique and hot you are, remember how much your darling loves you, and then let that sense of positivity and self-assurance shine through. Your sweetheart will find your growing confidence oh-so-attractive.

3. Eat it Up: Don’t forget the simple power of good food when it comes to enhancing your sex life. Dinners laden with aphrodisiacs such as oysters, avocados, asparagus, almonds, honey, and chocolate can turn a date night into a super-hot encounter. Remember the power of inexpensive, sexy foods such as a simple dinner of wine, bread, cheese, and fruit. Fun-enhancing foods that can be easily transported into the bedroom—such as a bowl of spaghetti-for-two, ice cream, chocolates, champagne, and whipped cream—can bring a sense of play and adventure into your alone time. Let your sense of fun and imagination guide you into new worlds of discovery with your sweetie.

4. The Oral Touch: Learn the power of oral intimacy. Sensual, erotic words are powerful sex toys. When it comes to precious intimate encounters, leave the troubles of work at the office. Don’t let the worries of the outside world interfere with your amorous time alone. Try your best to have any niggling marital disagreements satisfactorily addressed so that they don’t seep through into your intimate moments. Use your mouth to whisper sweet nothings into your lover’s ear. Find the words and phrases that make your darling moan and use them with passion and delight. Women, even more than men, can be brought into the heat of the moment by that sexy verbal touch.

5. Your Sexy Body: Your body is a work of art. No work of art is perfect, so strive to love all the natural imperfections that are part of your unique body. Of course, a well-cared-for physique is terrifically attractive. This doesn’t mean that ample curves, bumps, and natural flaws should ever inhibit sexuality. Good self-care, however, brings a radiant glow and inner confidence that allows the sexual self to come forward more readily and openly. So, dust off those running shoes, pick up your yoga mat, drink lots of water, and take good care of your wonderful body. Good hygiene, sweet breath, and a light mist of cologne or perfume add to the package. Nothing is as sexy as a partner who looks and feels hot.

6. Get Back to Basics: Remember what made your heart race when you first met. Was it a moonlit walk, a dance underneath the stars, or a bonfire by the beach? Take the time to recreate those carefree, sexy days. Watch the sparks fly as you sit back and relax to the tune of more simple times. Remember the delightfully excruciating sensation of unbuttoning a shirt or blouse one sweet step at a time. Move slowly and patiently, taking the evening as though it’s your first time all over again. Take the pressure off the end goal as you find the delight in kissing the nape of her neck. Enjoy knowing you can make him melt with the tender touch of your hands upon his back. Linger at the sweet spots, the ones that you may have forgotten over time. Find the undiscovered sweet spots, and relish the delight of feeling that you know how to please your spouse in the most wonderful of ways.

7. Lingerie for Two: It’s easy to let the everyday undies take over the bureau drawers. Don’t forget the power of sight and touch. We are moved by what we see and feel. It’s absolutely yummy to feel the touch of silk, satin, and ultra-soft cotton. It’s fabulous to see your sweetie wearing sexy lingerie. Make a date to visit that special lingerie store together to pick out what looks and feels sensual and sexy. Guys, don’t forget that women have the same needs! Boxers? Soft designer briefs? White muscle t-shirt? Find out what your lady likes on you, stock your drawers, and watch her melt before your eyes.

8. Try Some Wild and Sexy New Moves: New fun begins when you color outside the lines of your traditional routines. Try not to get stuck in the rut of lackadaisical lovemaking. Sure, there are nights you won’t have much energy left to give your sex life that extra burst, but don’t let that pattern become the norm. Remember to shake it up as often as you can! Don’t be afraid to try something different. Turn on sexy music. Draw the shades and make your living room into a night club for two. Create an oasis in your bedroom. With mutual trust and respect as your solid base, find delight in moving outside your traditional comfort zone. Release your inhibitions and let your imagination run wild. Share your fantasies, play them out, and let the sparks fly. Go where you’ve never gone before—where you might not have thought you would ever go—and watch your sweetheart’s eyes catch fire.

9. Get Away, Get Naked: There’s no medicine as good for a marriage as time alone. Whether you go on a private camping trip for two, turn your home into a sexy spa-hotel, or find seclusion in a couple’s retreat, time away allows you to restore, regenerate, and play. It’s natural to put off time alone with your husband or wife when life gets busy, yet focused time with each other is vital to the strength and health of your marriage. Shed the skin of your familiar world and leave life’s stresses behind. As you relax and de-stress together, your sex life will naturally come alive. In foreplay, the body is flooded with the reward-oriented neurochemical dopamine, and post-orgasm leaves a flood of oxytocin and feel-good endorphins coursing through the body. With no kids or work worries at your door, you can embrace the delicious magic of enjoying each other in the most simple and pleasurable ways.

First and foremost, do your part to cultivate the healthy, sexy part of yourself. It’s a gift to yourself and your marriage to be fit, healthy, and thriving. As a clinical psychologist, I have found that sex and attractiveness are less about what a partner looks like than the level of self-confidence, love, and sense of reciprocity.

So, look your loved one in the eyes. Make a plan and a pact to ignite your love life now and in the years to come. The beautiful space of martial intimacy is sacred. Remember that one of your greatest assets—if not your greatest asset—is your relationship with your spouse. Invest in that relationship. Keep it strong. Make it tender. Make it wild and sizzling hot.

Dr. Carla Marie Manly has her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology and a private practice in Santa Rosa, California. Dr. Greco specializes in the treatment of anxiety, trauma, depression, grief, and life transition issues. Her greatest goal is to offer services to those in need, offering select appointments on a "sliding scale" for those who have serious financial constraints. Pro bono services, including EMDR, are available for our veterans suffering from issues such as combat-related Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Complex PTSD. Dr. Greco is a member of the American Psychological Association and the Redwood Psychological Association. For more, visit www.drcarlamanly.com.