You can't think your way to a healthier, happier and sexier marriage… You've actually got to do something on a daily basis to turn this beautiful union around.

In fact, millions of couples in the United States alone are in unhappy marriages. And the number one tactic that we use to stay in this unhappy state, is pointing the finger at our spouse.

If they would only change. Be nicer. Be more attentive. Be more thoughtful. Be kinder… Our marriage wouldn't be in this current state of upheaval.

Moreover, the more we point the finger, the deeper the rut begins to form. So instead of doing that, it never has and never will work, look at the four tips below to get that loving feeling back into your relationship.

1. Write down a list of the activities you did when you first met your spouse that were fun. Exciting. Fulfilling. Did you go on dates on a weekly basis, but you're not doing that now? Did you used to love to go to movies together? What about vacations? Are there simple things you used to do around the house or apartment when you first met that you've totally let go of?

This is the first exercise I have my clients do when I work with them one on one, in order to start to turn the marriage around. Look at what you used to do that you enjoyed, create the list, and then just pick one activity out of that list and try to engage your partner in doing it today.

2. What are you currently doing that's adding to the chaos and drama in your relationship? Are you involved in passive aggressive behavior? The blame game? Anger? Are you spending more time at work to avoid being with your partner and family? Are you drinking more? Eating more? Smoking more?

When you look in the mirror, and you see that you're doing one of the above activities to avoid dealing with the current state of your marriage, you can begin to heal it if you stop those activities. Taking ownership for what you're doing in the marriage that is not working is a crucial step , and when we do this in writing, it becomes quite apparent it's not simply our partners fault. We are part of the problem as well.

3. When you begin to see a discussion turning into an argument, disengage. Stop. I work with couples on a regular basis who get into texting wars. Why? Neither one wants the other one to be right. It's like a competition. We need to win this text war game.

Nonsense! One of the most powerful tactics that you have right now is called disengagement. When you start to sense that the text messaging is going awry, stop completely and handle it this way.

"Honey, I see were going down the same road and blaming each other and I am so sorry for being a part of this. I'm going to stop texting right now, I love you and I'm not going anywhere, I will come back in two hours and let's see if we can be a little kinder. Thank you so much for understanding. I love you."

By handling it in the above way, it doesn't mean your marriage is going to instantly become better, but you've got to stop the insanity, and because you're reading this article, it is up to you to be the leader in dismantling what has been killing your marriage.

4. Get help on your own if your partner won't join you, with a counselor, therapist, minister or life coach. It's amazing how many couples that I eventually help turn their marriage around, only one of them will come in, in the beginning. It doesn't matter who it is whether it's the husband or the wife, but someone has to take the chance and open up the door to their partner and ask if they will come together into a session to heal the relationship.

Many times your partner will say no. Do not use that as an excuse for you to stay home as well. It amazes me how many relationships we have helped , when only one of the partners have come in. Sometimes the other partner never shows up, but the one who arrives can make some huge changes in the relationship, and actually save the marriage if they're willing to do the work even on their own.

Relationships in general are tough. They're hard. Let's face it, throw away the love novels just for a little while and look at the reality of relationships in general. We're going to have bad days, weeks, months and maybe even years. However, don't let that stop you from trying you're very best to turn the relationship around.

I have faith that if you follow the above tips that you will give yourself a good chance of helping your marriage thrive.

David Essel, M. S., Is a number one best-selling author, counselor, master life coach, and international speaker whose mission is to positively affect 2 million people or more every day, regardless of their current circumstances. David's work is also highly endorsed by the late Wayne Dyer, chicken soup for the soul's Mark Victor Hansen, as well as many other celebrities and radio and television networks from around the U.S. Celebrity Jenny McCarthy says "David Essel is the new leader of the positive thinking movement". His work can be seen at www.talkdavid.com